"You just get out of here", were his words. Rakesh was obviously not happy with his dad as he had come drunk back home. It was around 10pm that night and I was lynching my dinner when I heard Rakesh shouting and banging the door. I'm basically a quiet person, someone who loves silence. I glared at Rakesh as his face turned red towards his dad, my uncle.

My little confused and crazy mind was as usual, quiet, thinking of what can happen next. In fact I was disturbed but I just resumed my dinner and kept quiet. Rakesh, my cousin brother is a person of very strong personal taste. I have observed him many times, he sticks to his own way of life. I was little apprehensive about it in the begining when I met him about 3 years back. But slowly I realized that basically he is a good guy but with a very different approach towards life than mine.

My Uncle had some party and was drunk that day. He is basically a social person, a person who enjoys company of others. He cannot resist parties and thus drinks follow. Though I dont drink, I'm not against those who drink. But I believe, you should not disturb others after you drink. My uncle was used to disturbing people around, he used to shout at night in sleep, go to neighbours and talk to them at night. We had explained him a lot of times but all that never was actioned. Its not that he doesnt understand this, but always lost his self control and went after drinks.

That day, Rakesh closed the door and didnt allow him to enter indoor. Uncle kept quiet and sat outside in verandah. May be he himself had started feeling guilty. I was very disturbed and so peeped out of the "eagles eye" in the door to see what he was doing. Yes, he was sitting in the steps in verandah. What can I do, I thought. I too was irritated of him as drinking once in a week had become his habit. Everytime I used to vouch for him and ask Rakesh not to shout at him. But this time, I said to myself "No, I will not support him".

It was getting late, so we all went to sleep. Uncle was still sitting out in the cold verandah. Around 11:30PM, he made an attempt to get indoors by ringing the bell. Soon my aunt got out of her bed and moved towards the door, but there, she found Rakesh. He was furious as he didnt wanted him inside. I didn't say a word this time, somewhere inside even I wanted the same. We didnt open the door, he kept ringing the bell again and again. We thus cut the power supply inside and again all of us went to sleep. There was no bell ringing now. Around 1PM, he started banging the door and shouting from the verandah, he wanted to get inside. Now Rakesh was furious, he opened the door, hit him hard on his face and asked him to pack of his bags and just leave our house.

Rakesh took his bags out, packed it with his clothes, dumped some money into his purse and threw it out at him and asked to push off. I was not feeling bad for him, this time. I dont know why but it was as if I wanted that to happen.

Rakesh went out at night, got hold of some auto and sent him to railway station with his bags. Rakesh was damn against his dad drinking and he himself had advised his dad to avoid drinking but uncle never obliged to it. 

My relation with uncle was more a formal one. I liked him for his calmness and easy going attitude when he was not drunk. But he was a very confused person. The more I stayed with him, the more I started understanding how different such people can be. They look very good outside but they care damm about others who stay with them. Uncle always used to think about himself, he wanted his work done first, ne cared damm about if Rakesh or myself or my aunt had their own needs. At home he used to quarrel for small small things and that changed my attitude towards him. I dont like selfish people, I dont know I cannot digest such personalities. May be this dislikeness towards his stopped me from stopping Rakesh when he hit Uncle on his face.

He was off now to railway station, but I knew something, he is not a person to shed even a drop of tears. He would have gone to railway station, would have smoked some cigrattes and enjoyed his stay there at night. And yes, thats what happened. Early next morning, we saw him back with his baggage. He had a calm composed guilty cunning face that tried hiding all his mischieves.

Rakesh had gone early to office that day, he knew when Rakesh goes out and so he planned his return that day at that time. As usual my aunt then started shouting at him, "dont you have shame on self, y did you return back, you have good pension, why dont you go back to village and stay there?". But he kept mum, went inside, kept his bags back, and had a good shower followed by a good sleep.

Tension prevailed in our house for the next 2-3 days, we all knew he will be quiet for a few days and then will be back with a bang with Bagpiper, "mil baitenge teen yaar, aap mein aur bagpiper" !!

I really admire Bhagat Singh !! What a kind of person he was !! He was in jail for 130 days on fast against the britishers that too without even taking a sip of water. They tried a lot to break his confidence, even went to the so called third degree of torture, but all in vain. For them it was as if they were just digging on a barren land expecting  a kind of fruit out of a seed that never grows.The character, the mettle he was made up of was strange. I dont understand how can a person be so strong mentally that the physical limits just cannot "limit" him. Does this mean Strength is more related to mental endurance than physical muscle build up ? What if a person is physically well built up but afraid of reacting to a situation in a bold way ? Someone said it right ... its not that we have to be strong to fight hard, but yes we need to have that intention to fight hard... Bhagat Singh was that great !! But my mind just keeps asking me questions "How...", how can he be so strong, didnt he not think of risking his life, was he not afraid of pain, were there no butterflies in his stomach when he was fasting for 130 days !! ??

I felt very bad when one of my friend referred Bhagat Singh as a terrorist !! Yes I do agree that he was little hot headed but I do remember that he had himself surrendered before the police. A terrorist cannot be that courageous. Its easy to die than to live with all the pains like Bhagat Singh.
I feel that somewhere deep within Bhagat Singh was a follower of Non Violence, but yes his approach was different than Mahatma Gandhi. Let me make one thing clear that I rever Bhagat Singh not because he was hot headed or was like a revolutionist, but just because he had die hard determination and a die hard atttitude to uproot the british imperialism through non violence.

If he was a senseless hot headed person, he wont have taken to fasting. He would have made plans of escaping from the prison and striking red on british targets killing their soldiers. But No, he didnt do like that. He went through all the tortures that they imposed on him and had only one thought in his mind "Vande Mataram".

I salute to such a hero. Hope India can see many such heroes who are not involved in petty issues or benefits, who can look beyond and rise for the upliftment of society. The world needs a change but yes before that I realize I need to change myself !!

Its high time to bid adieu, was my thought when I woke up today. Definitely not the first one but yes it followed certain backlogs or traces of left over yesterday. I was just walking to and fro when that thought struck hard on my mind... are these just flashes of that seamless flow of energy that I"m trying to get into or a small piece of meteor that by mistake flew and blew in front of me ? Some people define it as Serendipity. Whatever it may be, as I unfold I understand the impact of stillness. Stillness at this juncture for me is not the absence of thoughts but its a moment of life when the sun rays go past the water surface and touch the depth of riverbed or its a state when suddenly all the pulsating impurities settle down and things turn crystal clear. Thus now I can move towards defining a problem. One thing that can be derived from the above definition is "a problem" never existed and will never and thus I neet not define it.!!!  So far so good, but just would like to keep some gap in final results, room for "the more" coming in future. I need to just control that first thought, which drives my entire chain of reactions. That stillness was the result of that first thought of self control.I"m today because of what i was yesterday and I will be what I"m on the move Today. If that Stillness can be perpetual, nothing more in life is desired.

Things were not the same even then, but I never realized. Some kind of latency in thoughts, I'm not sure what was going on in background. How can someone be so slow, I wondered !! Was this my own reflection ? Sometimes I feel I have defined some poles, established them deep in the ground and with firm conviction I just stand by them. These poles are usually dug out from existing lands or a copy of a situation that was best defined by it under that circumstance !! Then I just dig it out, drag it down, establish on my land and then I claim, this is the way things should be as this microbe of land was the same as that microbe of land from which I extracted this. I just stand by it firm, tall and bold.But I never thought about this water that surrounded my present microbe land and was making my legs wet and compared it with those bushes or those barren lands that surrounded those microbe lands. I will call this as "Blank Arrogancy", a new term that I will coin if Oxford dictionary was my written handbook.
I'm still the same, waiting for miracles to  happen, unmindful of the series of changes happening and just holding on.... hold on someone said.... and I did but was this the one indeed he meant ? Strange !! How hollow things were/are... I'm still the same.

Now this is what I call back on track !! If the wheels just slips away, put them back on track. Then analyze, wherz the bulge, on rail or on wheel ? Sometimes not on both but some kind of segmentation of slippery waste. Whatever may it be, but the fact is that things went out of track and now its back. To me it doesnt count whatever happened, but it does, on how much the things were in sync, 80%, 60% or a mere 40% ? So where to start and where to stop ? and even if it happens to be 100%, will it remain forever or will the winds of change one day sweep the rails and replace with tracks ? I"m again contemplating !! Why not, my hobby is thinking !! So where am i ?

    It seems very odd that I'm caught in tangles, some kind of mis interpretation of self made pits, and then I start bragging about the whole as if I never knew it. Strange !! An escapist attitude I can call. I plan, I see, I forsee, and then the seed half way, until it never grows and makes me look into the barren land again with gaze. Was it because it never rained or was it because I never thought of how the rains will materialize ? The same goes with learning, its just lost in the tempest of confusion. Aah, now I remember that point of revision and thus goes the smooth sailing of self discovery. So the proverb still stands true that we have a problem since the solution existed. So revise dear !! revise !! 

I just kept contemplating on the past, present and future. Thoughts were just raving through my mind. I was pondering on where will these things end ? Is it that destiny drags you or one meets his/her own destiny ? Whatz the guiding thread ? Is is A to Z or Z to A ? Is this all relative, pre conceived plan on which all the pearls are interwined ?